Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Happy birthday Dawn! This is inspired by Dawn's poem ideas. Nov. 2007

This is inspired by Dawn's poem ideas.

First folio - An Internal Soliloquy

Prop master?  I mean, shoot, they're the ones who cast me in "Happy Birthday" and I didn't even audition.  Doesn't the stage look bare?  Is it too much to ask for some plastic hangers here?  "An oil change, an oil change, my kingdom for an oil change!"  I know, wrong play, it's the director's fault for deciding I should be off book by now.  He looks pissed at me.  I heard he's not getting any, but I'm not one to gossip, so let's keep that between me and me.  If they wanted perfection, they should have snagged Judi Dench.  She has inTEGrity.  I just have a hankering for cheesecake, but I don't hunger for ten more pounds on my frame.  "A Prima Facie Case for Mystikal Cheesecake" THERE'S a play I'd try out for.

"All the world's *gesticulate* a STAGE and...All the WORLD'S a *gesticulate* stage and..."  All the world's a stage and I forgot my lines.  I think they're beginning to regret putting me in the role.  The producer has those furrowed brows again.  "Send in the clowns...don't bother they're heeeeeeere..."  This should be a musical, but I suppose they've sunk too much into the production already.  Look at this costume?  Wardrobe!  Seriously, a foundation garment is called for.  If they're gonna be OUT they oughtta be UP don't you think?  Please?  And thank you.  You want me to carry THAT purse?  I don't think my character would tote a bag that cost more than the financial resources she has available IN it.  Says me!  Yes, I realize that this is not a collaboration.  I'll pipe down.

"Chain, chain, chain....chain of foooools".  Wow, I didn't realize that the acoustics were so good in here.  They're testing the footlights.  That always gives me vertigo.  I have to admit, though, that though it's sparse, the set design is appealing.  It's rumored that there are ghosts in the theatre.  Also, according to legend, there's a neverending prop room somewhere behind a door off stage right, but I've never seen it.

Oh merde!  Spotlights!  So bright! "Twenty twenty twenty four hours ago, I wanna be sedated.." I'm treading and dreading these boards.  I wonder who wrote "Happy Birthday"?  I have the script, but it's not attributed.  Will anyone even COME to a play written by no one?  And why am I off-book when they haven't even cast my love interest?  I'm hoping for someone strapping with a sonorous voice.  "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!"

The guy who plays my tormentor is too convincing.  He's method.  Straight outta "The Metamorphosis".  I don't look at him when we talk.  We once, however, had a lovely walk in the garden behind the theatre and he admitted that he's agorophobic, and therefore, only comfortable being someone else onstage.  Quite the revelation.  If you're ever playing Hearts online with others, he's "Mephisto74". 
Sometimes I think that if the producer and director really KNEW us actors, they'd rethink the whole darn thing.  If, for instance, they knew that I'm seriously considering learning how to change oil and opening up a lube shop staffed entirely by women, they'd probably shit their pants.  How hard can it be?  "Out with the old oil, in with the NEW oil!  Yay Team!" *wave pompons*

Well, I have to go.  It's my pivotal scene.  Center stage with only the spots.  In the dark and virtually empty theatre where I've rehearsed this scene already 34 times, I prepare myself for no applause.

"Happy brithday to me!  Happy birthday to me!  Happy birthday, dear me.  Happy birthday to me."

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